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jennaishealed
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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in the "jennaishealed" journal:[<< Previous 50 entries]
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12:50 am
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New www.jennaishealed.org Website :)
I got a website host and the http://www.jennaishealed.org domain name for a new website for Jenna. Obviously, you can see it at www.jennaishealed.org. If you every see me write it as www.jennaishealed.com, then please let me know because it means ive not had enough sleep and should take a nap.
Like I say on the website, Im going to start updating things over there. I just think that having a whole site instead of just this blog will tell the story better. I'll put up pics and maybe some short vids. Also as I mention, Jenna wants to start selling T-shirts with her design ideas on them. We'll se how that goes... :)
-RJC
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05:33 am
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Christmas in California
We left for California before the travel rush, which was great because we were watching news accounts of the travel nightmare on Delta or whatever it was on the TV at my parent's house in San Jose. And we came back well after the post-new years' rush, such as that is. I love my parents and especially my mother, after whom we intend to name any eventual daughter we might have. Magdalena Isabella Shisler. (My mom's name is Isabel... Hi, Mom!! :P) Yet, Its still good to be in our own house and all that stuff. Chances are that you know what I mean...
Anyways, the trip out was anxious but uneventful. We got there plenty early and had little trouble with airport security. The people at the Birmingham airport were really nice. Cooper slept on the long, first leg of the trip from here to Las Vegas, for a good hour or so. That was nice. But on the way back he refused to sleep, I think mostly because his sleep schedule got messed up somewhat with all the holiday activity and late nights coming back from my brother's house. The airport security in San Hose, coming back, was abominable. Unprofessional and annoying. But eventually, that too was over with.
We got to spend a lot of time with my brother Bryan's family, which was great. His kids are 18 and 15 years old, and its amazing for me to have Cooper now after watching those two kids grow up right before my eyes. When Devon (my nephew-now 18) was born, I was totally infatuated and obsessed with him. I would sit for hours playing with him and observing him. I was totally blown away with how beautiful and amazing he was. And he was and still is an amazing child. Except that he is now a young man on his way to becoming a geneticist, and threatens to become even more amazing than when he was pointing to the TV screen when he was two years old and saying the letters that appeared on Wheel Of Fortune's gameboard. I can't leave out his baby sister Alyssa, who is just as amazing and such a wonderful, strong spirit. She's tough as nails, and of course a beautiful and profoundly talented person in general. My brother and his wife Shelly deserve a lot of credit for delivering the world these amazing gifts. Its mostly for this reason that Jenna and I have decided to make them the Godparents of our son Cooper, and any subsequent siblings he might have... ;)
We went to Santa Cruz to take a ride on the Christmas Lights Train that plows right through waterfront/downtown Santa Cruz, Ca., then backs down at the entry to the mountains, back to the wharf from whence it came. Jenna and the baby had lots of fun. We sat in one of the antique pullmans but they had open cars of course decorated and otherwise wrapped with christmas lights. They sang carols and served hot cider, really a wonderful time. I just asked her if she remembered it, and she did, that it was on a train, that Santa Claus was involved, and lots of lights. It was much colder when we left, than when we arrived, and the train loop was at most maybe an hour and a half. Possibly much less than that. Weather shifts have always fascinated me.
We went to the mall and peoplewatched. Ate mall food court gourmet Chinese food. Interesting new mall, overwritten on an old one I knew as a childhood icon, playground, house of pain. Remade, doubled, then doubled again into a tightly-sealed cathedral of consumption. Total and complete. We soaked it in, admonished.
Christmas itself was low-key. As adults, my family has gotten less "traditional" about it over the years, but Jenna wanted a more-childhood-like experience. So we wrapped her gifts and had the baby tear them apart, under the tree. Rituals are good. I wont go into the baby as he is far too cute and precious and nobody I can think of deserves him.
There was the usual emotional black hole stuff, she wishes she had never been concieved, born, wishes she'd been killed in the Indian Ocean tsunami disaster (don't let TBI patients watch the news), etc. I thought I had been on top of the clawed-open forearms problem but one night she managed to savage me, drawing blood from all five fingertips. When I show the scars/scabs/wounds to her, she very sweetly amd genuinely apologizes. I tell her not to worry about it because I know its not her fault. Its just a symbol of the pain we are all going through. I clipped her nails.
We're back in alabamania now. Here we get to battle high, low, and in-between. Its shocking and extremely disappointing sometimes WHO one has to battle with, and over what. Human beings are just sad, sometimes. But we dont care. We are going to kick ass, and take names, and keep fighting no matter what, or how long it takes.
-Rob
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08:37 pm
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Existential Injuries
Shes walking more and more, still more a zombie stagger than actual "walking," but she's actually doing it better. I realize after having read some of the older posts that she seemed to be getting better with the walking early on, and I really did think she'd be totally on her own now. What Ive been doing lately is taking her to the local huge "superstore" warehouse joint, and have her walk around the store pushing the cart. With the cart, she can walk pretty well without additional aid. Around the house Ive finally got it opened back up so the two main front rooms (nominally the family room and the dining room) are open for the baby to run around and also for Jenna to walk about on her own... which is its own problem because she often bolts up and attempts to go here or there and I have to keep an eye on her a lot like the way she was when she first got home. Its interesting how things go in cycles, in their own way...
The real problem that's developed (or redeveloped) is the anger and depression issue. I was trying to think of a way to talk about this, and Ive even discussed it with her directly, but it seems to me that what Jenna has most profoundly suffered is an injury to her very self itself. Her mind and memory, and memories of who she was, and therefore is, have all been scrambled up and confused for her. I really have to basically sit in her lap and hold her hand and constantly reassure her because if she's left alone to wander her own mind, she comes back pissed off and extremely depressed. That memory or set of memories of her living in this house as a kid *really* somehow has gotten implanted as a major part of her identity, among other things. If she's challenged on them, it hurts, very much. She also finds anguish in her acne and short hair. They seem like small things unless you're Jenna. I got about halfway through typing this and had to go sit with her, talk to her, make her look up at me, smile at me, I hold her, tell her her hair's going to grow back and her acne will go away... The present, then, is good, for a time. But the confusion of her daily forgetting life is sometimes brutal and otherwise aggravating. I tell her something and she doesn't remember it. She says something, i dont hear her and ask her to repeat it. She cant remember what it was that she just said. She remembers many things, but its hit-and-miss, and the resulting confusion is what really bothers her. Confusion of how long she's been home with me, what happened to her, etc. Angry depression is often the result. She pounds on the floors with her heels and pounds her thigh (or mine if im next to her) with her good fist. She's a friggin fireball when she gets going, believe me. Ive got multiple scars and scrapes from her scratching and clawing at me. When I say "battling anger and depression" I mean BATTLING. As I try to finish up this paragraph she's starting again to cry behind me, about which she is never quite sure.... The existential confusion underlying all her present-tense problems makes it all the more sour. The good news is that the lap-sitting works. As long as I am sitting with her, stroking her forearm or playing with her hair, she's mostly fine. Like i say, its a battle. We leave for California a week from tomorrow. The battling over the last few days in this seemingly renewed fight with the depression almost finally dragged me down, and I was actually thinking of leaving Jenna here with her family so I could take a few-weeks break from the whole situation. Ive been at this for months and months (six months out of the hospital now) and I actually felt like I was finally becoming overwhelmed... Sleep is good, by the way. I do much better when ive had some rest. Anyways, we're going to California as a family. Momentary weakness aside, we're going to make this happen together, forever. She actually asked me about an hour ago whether I regretted marrying her, given what has happened. I reminded her of before we were married when we'd drive around in her piece of garbage Audi and we would have similar conversations... She'd ask me, and I would tell her that even if she was mutilated in a car accident and had all her limbs cut off and had to be in an electric wheelchair (which she'd steer with her teeth, etc) the rest of her life, I'd still love her, no matter what. Into the looking glass, we march forward, determined to get her better, mostly because we have no choice.
-Rob
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06:55 pm
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Thanksgiving with the Miracle
We went up to Jenna's Nana's house in Guntersville, about an hour away. Jenna is *such* a joy. We laughed and laughed all the way, and all the way back. Except for there at the end, where that memory of her living in this house before came up, and her mom got into it with her resulting in a predictable anguished outburst. But other than that, it was a good day. We're thankful for so much, its just silly. But you knew that already...
-RJC
P.s. after i posted the above here on the blog, i posted this (below) to the FAQ board...
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/test/messages/742.html
Since i posted the paypal "Donate" button about a week ago, several VERY generous FAQers have donated over six hunney $$ to Jenna's "Future Fund". She, and I, are very grateful, and this is the perfect day to say so, so... Thanks, man!! Thanks not for the money, which is lovely and tangible, but for so much more than that. The first post I did the day after the accident, there were around 150 posts in support, with prayers and good wishes, etc. I printed them all out for her a ways back and posted about how much I cried and cried over it. Jenna loves sitting there paging through them, just amazed that so many people who she has never met just simply give a sh*t about her... Well anyways, Jenna really *is* a friggin miracle, and Im extremely proud of her. I really believe she's something more special than abc's and xyz's could ever describe. I look at her sometimes and I see something so fascinating and awesome, and i mean that *literally*, and I am ... fascinated and awed... Words are nearly useless at this stuff. They get you to the ballpark, but unless youve *been* in the seat, its just not the same. Anyways, we are thankful, and very grateful. A MIRACLE is sitting like five feet from me, writing in her diary/journal in highly jacked-up handwriting, but shes here, and she knows who I am, and is getting better and better. It's truly amazing, to be a small part of it all. Its been tough, but its the greatest fight of our lives, and winning is so sweet. No matter how long it takes..... We'll get there when we get there, and we'll get there... :)
-RJC
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09:40 pm
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"It's like I'm living in my own movie..."
First of all, lets just say thanks to all who have contributed to Jenna's "Future Fund" (see below ;)). Ive always felt awkward about this subject. People have offered to clean the house, mow my lawns, take care of the poop-stinky baby Cooper, etc., but I've always not preferred to take advantage of such kindnesses, just rather doing it myself (or not doing it, in the case of mowing the lawn/s (just ask B&C next door ;)))... People have offered money, generously, and I suppose the time to have "taken advantage" of the sympathy for Jenna was back seven (?) months ago when it all first happened. "Taken advantage" is a loaded term of course, because people have genuine sympathies and a genuine desire to help and all that. And Jenna has a genuine need since I am a piece of garbage and have not provided her a cushy, highly-insured lifestyle as I should have done long ago. Well anyways, like I say, ive always felt awkward about all this type of thing, but if you want to contribute, she could sure use it. So far it has been wonderful. In the few days since I posted the "Donation" button, she has collected in the mid-three figures, mostly from a few incredibly generous BMW '02 FAQ messageboarders ... ;)
Thanksgiving is just in time, this year. We love you, man. ;)
Gratuitous "Donate" button insert:
-RJC
P.s. I posted this before following up on the title of this entry, so now im back to edit it. We've been watching a lot of movies lately, as it is something I like to study, and most of the time, Jenna can get into them. We watched "Raisin in the Sun" this afternoon and she was extremely involved and engaged with the story and whatnot. I was reading last night about TBI patients' loss of "higher function" in their brains. This is after an extremely stressful episode with certains who will remain unnamed, but anyways, I was struggling there for a week or so. Faith is hard, man. Faith tests you. You have all this stuff about science and other peoples' recoveries and stuff. TBI is an alarmingly common thing, actually. If you ever see a kid riding a bike without a helmet, run for the bubble-wrap and shipping tape. Well, maybe a brisk walk. Anyways, so there is all this reality, and there is Faith. In Matthew, Jesus was constantly berating his followers about their lack of faith. It seemed to me that this was his #1 problem. Even though they were *watching* him be Him, they still made their faithlessness clear to J., and it pissed him off repeatedly. But faith is also so easy. You just have to *decide* to fall into it. Just spread out your arms and trust that He'll catch you. I suppose the decision is the hard part. Jenna is still getting better. We've gone through a *tough* stretch here, with a lot of external stresses, as well as internal ones. The weeks before she saw her doctor at Spain and got the boosted Lexapro doseage (six month checkup), it was particularly brutal. But now she seems better. Modern pharmacology is a blessing, too. ;) Anyways, part of the "new" conversations weve been having involve her commenting that her life seems like a movie now. Maybe its because Im always couching things in grand terms for her. I tell her that she is a no-doubt friggin Miracle, that lots of people are following her progress and stuff like that. I make it epic for her. But its true, to me. She is a HERO to me, and to as many others as believe it themselves... (you know who you are :P) But for me, all my faith and all my certainty that all this will work out comes from Jenna herself. I remember in that emergency room that night, i just decided to pray to *her* God, because I knew that *if* there was a God, Jenna had "the In" with Him. Man, I prayed and prayed, before I really even believed myself. I believed in what Jenna believed, *because* she believed it. There was this certain quality she had that I knew she had; this certain certainty. Despite anything, all the earthly dispiriting stuff which I wont get into, she still believed. Those first couple of days I was praying *through* Jenna, before I found my own capacity to just fall back and *know* I'd be caught... Anyways, the dispiriting present struggling reality was creeping in there for a while, the idea that Jenna would be like this, or a lot like this (severe memory and emotional issues, stumbly, shaky good hand and half a bad one, etc) for the rest of her life... it was all creeping in there, and tearing me down. But the "reality" of situations like this have been unimpressive throughout Jenna's MIRACULOUS recovery. Everyone has been amazed with her progress, from the minute she started poking finger holes in that son-of-a-bitch coma. Thank God for Jenna herself. I talk to her and tell her my idiot problems, and she is just Jenna. She's the Jenna with the infinite infectious Faith herself. The faith-enough-for-both-of-us Faith. I fought it so hard, for so long, and now I am fighting for it. I love it. I refuse to believe that *anything* less than EVERYTHING is possible. I look at Jenna now on the couch and I fall apart, laughing and crying with Joy, over it... :D
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09:20 am
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Lets see if the "Donate" button works :)
Just clickie on that "button" to contribute, if you would like to. If there are any problems or issues please just email me at jennaishealed@hotmail.com. (im not sure how all this works myself) Thanks, man!! ;)
-RJC
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01:54 am
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Opened a Paypal Account..
I've finally set up a PayPal account for people to contribute directly to Jenna's continuted rehabilitation fund. Because we are basically destitute, there was some question about whether Medicaid would be able to suck this "future fund" dry to pay for her existing/past medical bills, which count in the half-million dollar range. Suffice it to say that EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR contributed to this "Future Fund" will directly contribute to Jenna's continued rehabilitation. Please send your PayPal donations to: jennaishealed@hotmail.com. Thanks for everything!
-RJC
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09:49 am
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better living through chemistry...
Jenna's mood is slowly getting better, i am guessing due at least partially to the doubled dose of Lexapro that her doctor prescribed at her six-month checkup. Ive also gotten the house rearranged so that she has easier access to her record/CD collection, but where I can keep a better eye on her. Ive also gotten some cheapie shelving kits at Big Lots so that we can keep more stuff out of reach of the baby, and create a more intimate atmosphere in here. She is still doing well, and we are looking forward to getting away from this place and going to California for Christmas and New Years.
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03:12 am
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Back in Church
The whole spiritual aspect of all this totally fascinates me. I am an infant. I stare into my Father's eyes, that blue sky, and am just amazed. I am transfixed like my own baby, his that-blue eyes ... infinite with trust and faith, searching, yet satiated. I stare, and I make words. Jenna's huge brown innocents bare. We hold hands, and chant thanksgivings, recount blessings, and beg strength for standing around. We beg strength for waiting for all this to be over. We beg grace for others we know who are struggling more. We are grateful and thankful for what we do have. We also take the time to love Him, just tell Him what a joy it is to *know* He's out there....
We went to church this last Sunday, the first time since the accident. Nobody expected to see us all there, but there we were. It was kind of fun just showing up and surprising everyone. Jenna got a standing ovation, and the sermon was interestingly appropriate. Visualize yourself succeeding. Visualize Jenna back at her old capacities. Visualize kicking ass. Live in that moment of Joy, when it all comes true. Believe in that day, and live like that day is certain, here already. Faith like a son of a bitch. Brother, that's my middle name.
In case it isn't obvious, I'm again cheating with the dates. I'm posting this with Sunday's date but really writing this on Thursday. Actually, it's now very early on Friday morning.
The point of all that is that Jenna went to her six-month checkups today, for her neuropsychologist and rehab doctors. She is doing better than is to be expected, but still has a long ways to go, as we already knew. Again, the doctors seem more like bystanders to Jenna's own divine kick-assitry. I still think about Jenna's nurses on the N/ICU. We keep meaning to go up there to visit. Angela, Katie, Lynne, and everyone else over there. UAB is such a wonderful facility. IMO 95% of the reason why anyone would ever voluntarily choose to live in this city is UAB. Seriously. I wrote about it before.
Jenna herself is doing well. She is remembering more and more, and continues to amaze me with her bad-assedness in coming back from halfway to nowhere. I see her on the couch, those big brown eyes, so wide open, I say, Jenna. They fix on me, moons. Innocence and tragic, but resolve. I tell her I love her, and that she is the most beautiful thing I know of. I don't even listen to what she says in response, I'm just so amazed.
I can't fail to mention that Jenna has also "graduated" from Spain Rehab's outpatient facilities, but is free to go back for additional treatment, etc. Did I already mention that UAB is a wonderful thing? "Graduating" in this way is another staggeringly good development in her recovery. Amazing, really.
-RJC
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01:18 pm
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Six Months
Im writing this a day late, but yesterday was a crazy day. Don't worry: I backdated the dealie so it will appear that I wrote it yesterday anyways...
So this is the six-month anniversary. So we are half-way through this... Recalling that the doctors told us from the beginning that we would have to wait and see after a years time how far Jenna was going to "come back." But I've heard of people continuing to improve for the rest of their lifetimes.
In any event, we're halfway through this first-year period.
Jenna is doing well. Her memory is definitely improving, but she is still struggling with a couple of misplaced specific memories, some of which the truth of disturbs her more than others. In fact a couple of days ago i decided to start to humor her on one particular idea she has, instead of continuing to try to "tell her the truth."
For some reason, she insists that she's lived in this house before, that it is in fact a trailer that her parents bought from a couple they knew/know when they got back from Germany (Jenna being about 12 at that time -- air force brat). None of which is true. The interesting thing is that this false memory is so deeply embedded, she is so attached to it, that my insisting the truth to her as gently as I can still sends her into a very deep depressive cycle. She talks about her whole life being a lie, all bullshit, and she wishes she had died in the accident or had never been born. It was Monday night (or was it Sunday??) where she seemed to really start to "trough," over the idea that her memory about all this was false. After that, I decided that on this one issue, I would agree with her or simply feign ignorance.
She continues to bring it up even after I started agreeing with her, but hopefully she'll eventually realize the truth about it. The fact is that the truth is *SO* disturbing to her, that I don't think it even matters. If she spends the rest of her life believing she spent those years here with her family instead of at some other address, its worth it just to keep her spirits up now. Like I say, hopefully she will realize the truth when she's got a better grasp of things in general.
This was a question for us early on as well, because she would often sit and point things out to us and essentially make up stories about them. She put this wallpaper up, she painted that picture, etc. None of which was true. The difference between those things and this one is that **FOR SOME REASON** this false memory has really stuck in her mind and is what she appears to be clinging to as a sense of her very identity. If I try to dislodge it with the truth, it seems to send her entire *sense of self* reeling off into the atmosphere...
I suppose that is where I'll leave this installment. We are still hopeful, we are still very much faithful, and we are still believing and working to that point where in another six months, more or less, we can truly celebrate a job well done! :)
-RJC
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03:10 pm
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Battling Depression and Anger....
Heres a link to a post I made to the BMW2002FAQ.com website...
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/forum/messages/173173.html
and the text if you dont like to clickie extra linkies...
I am sitting here printing out (making her a story/scrapbook thing) all the responses to all your best wishes and prayers back when Jenna was nearly killed (six months ago come Tuesday).... and man, I tell you. ... Words fail as usual. .... (wipes tears, really!!) ....
She's still hanging in there, getting better and better but still such a LONG way to go. Right now its a constant battle against depression and anger, and keeping an eye on her as she is now REALLY dangerous with her getting up and walking around. Her memory is hit-and miss. Sometimes she remembers five minutes ago and sometimes she doesn't. Her left arm is up to about 50% I would say, which as you know is a VAST VAST VAST improvement. They have her in Pool therapy doing leg kicks and walking like an Egyptian (sideways, ahh, the 80s..), and I have her working on alphabetizing her vast CD collection in this huge 280-disc cd holder thingie I got her. Lately she likes to sit in front of the stereo and play CD after CD. The fight against the depression is a constant battle, especially recently. As she sits and listens to her music she tries to sing, and since her voice got jungle-F'd by the trache tubitry, she gets very upset and angry. I "minister" (not a familiar thing for me to do, believe me) to her about having Faith and how much God loves her, the same way we love Cooper, and how much he just wants us to acknowledge Him and love Him back, just like we want the boop-pooper Cooper (our 18month old, for those who dont know) to love us back, how good it feels when he does and all that. But then she forgets it and we have to go over it all again. She *IS* more engaged now, and the long conversations continue, often repeated many times each day about all the recurring issues she faces. She hates going to therapy (such a blessing that they let us keep going, i tell her), she wants to f*cking die, she wishes that she had been killed in the accident, never been born, etc. Its very hard to deal with but mostly because its just a CONSTANT battle to keep reminding her about His love, etc., etc., etc., and which brings me back to this post. I often point out that there are hundreds of you wonderful internet goons (;)) out there pulling for her and praying for her and ... ah hell im bawling again. I hate to ask but can you all renew your prayers for her, for her voice, and for her Spirit, and all the other bits and pieces what we got to unshatter and unmash and put back into use. (We pray for her left arm, her walking and stability, her memory and cognition, her voice, and even her acne-probably caused by all the stress).
We had a meeting yesterday with the Alabama Head Injury Foundation and theyve got some good stuff to offer once she feels like venturing out more beyond just going to therapy and the store and whatnot. And we're going to California for Christmas and new years, so we're looking forward to that too...
Anyways, reallyreallyreally, thanks you all so much, again. She'll get there, just you watch. :)
-RJC
KEEP PRAYING, please!! :)
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03:57 pm
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Beginning to grasp what's been going on
Denial, anger, acceptance... not necessarily in that order. Lately Jenna and I have been having LONG conversations about her condition and all that has gone with it. Its hard to put my finger on it, but she's been coming around a lot more recently. She's finally beginning to grasp all the implications of her having survived this unbelievably brutal brain injury, and is doing so with a very good attitude about it. She frequently says that "God must really love me" or "I must have something really awesome (or important) to do!" She still gets very angry when for example she is trying to sing along to one of her records and she can't hit the notes like she used to. But this is actually an improvement since she now *realizes* that she can't sing. I have to encourage her to sing anyways, by telling her she needs to work out those muscles and nerves the same way she has to practice walking or work out that half-dead (yes!! its up to half-dead status, instead of being mostly dead ;)) left arm. But her attitude is definitely much much better now. She still asks repeatedly what day it is, how long she's been home, etc., but seems to *do* more with that information now... she is more reflective and seems just to *understand* better. We're still keeping the faith and praying daily for her complete recovery, as well as a growing list of other folks who need praying for, too.. :)
-RJC
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11:06 am
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BIGTIME DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENTS IN HER MEMORY!!!
Jenna is kicking SO MUCH ASS!! She is beginning to REALLY come back now. Her memory is getting MUCH MUCH better. As in, going from virtually zero short-term memory to some. SOME! This is good!! :D
When they say something is better than nothing, this is what they are talking about. The best thing about her being able to remember things now is that she is much more engaged with us all. We can have LONG conversations whereas before shed forget what we were talking about before we were all the way through it.
She still asks what day it is, what year it is, etc., BUT remembers having asked earlier: remembering that she doesn't remember. If you've seen that movie Memento, the main character there has (or had) one great advantage over Jenna. He could remember that he couldn't remember (kinda iffy premise now that i think about it), so that he could order his life accordingly (see the movie if you havent--its great)...
Her walking is still pretty iffy, but she CAN walk by herself IF someone is there to catch her. She's getting better and better though, in all areas. We're beginning to get to the first basecamp on our long climb up out of this... But the summit is there. Our confidence is unshakable, and we'll get there when we get there :)
-RJC
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11:05 am
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WALKING ON HER OWN!!!
As of yesterday, shes been getting around the house just about all by herself (she still needs an escort but can actually *walk* now). It started two nights ago when I left her in the bathroom and went back to check on her and she was in the bedroom!! Anyways she just reversed the maneuver -- with me supervising -- and she made it by herself into the bathroom from the bedroom (which are admittedly right next door to each other, but not directly connected aka she has to walk down a short hallway). We're about to try to walk the half mile to her parents' house for a BBQ in a few minutes. But I guess its official, she's accomplished another major milestone in her recovery: regaining the simple gift of Walking... :)
-RJC
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09:09 pm
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Nearly walking all by herself...
She's still unsteady but her walking is getting better and better. One problem is that she often complains that her toes hurt or that her feet have fallen asleep. Shes also becoming more agitated more easily now, and asks more questions about what is happening to her, where she is, etc. It seems that as shes getting better cognitively, she's getting worse emotionally as she realized whats been taken from her. Its a constant issue with where she is, whats going on, how long we've been here, what month it is, what day, etc. CONSTANT. But she *IS* remembering things now, just certain little things. As of this week, we are at the four-month mark since the accident, and she's still got a long way to go. One particularly sad thing she does is ask over and over again when "this" will be over, not knowing what "this" is. This is the part where it gets worse as it gets better. But its getting better. Nobody said better means easy!!
-RJC
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03:48 pm
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Walking with a Cane...
One of those four-poster canes... the cane part and a little table thing with four stubsy legs at the bottom. We stay close in case she stumbles, but shes getting more and more auto-mobile. She also likes to whoop me with it... ;p As she's waking up more, remembering more, it seems to be getting harder for her. She **IS** waking up more, remembering more. You have to understand how it is to watch someone go through a stack of get-well cards over and over again, rereading each of them like its the first time she's ever seen them. But she's learning things, and remembering things. Little things, things you might not notice. The things you do notice, she doesn't remember. We've got her writing diary entries, and I have her do her math problems so as to stimulate the abstractery factory up in that melon of hers... That left arm is being a stubborn one, seeming to need extra stretching to stay limber and not curl up on her, now that we're working it out more. I guess that makes sense, tho... ;)
-RJC
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10:04 pm
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Good Hard Science says shes improving dramatically, too!!
Jenna went to a psych evaluation today and her memory and cognition score is DRAMATICALLY higher than what it was when she left the Refab center. It went up from 18 out of 60 to a score of 43 out of 60!! She's getting there!! :)
UPDATE: I got some more details from her mom this morning (Tuesday, Aug 17) and the test that I mention above was a recognition test, aka where they show her pictures of various objects and she tells the guy what they are. The last item they showed her was an abacus, for example. Just for clarification.. :)
-RJC
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08:53 am
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Million Yard Dash...
Well, obviously it has been a WHILE since I've updated the blog. Jenna is still doing great. This past week she has seemed to surge forward in progress after a few weeks of very slow, but steady physical rehabilitation (mostly just slow progress in her walking). Her left arm has been effectively "dead" up until just about this week, but the good news is that it seems to all of a sudden be waking up. I have been helping her work it out up until this point by basically assisting her in moving the arm up into a curl and back down. It didnt want to go in either direction with ANY ferocity, and Id pretty much have to lift it up and (especially) flatten it out in full extension (and holding it there for a few minutes, stretching it out). ANYWAYS, weve been doing that for weeks and weeks really, but all of a sudden THIS week, now im actually providing RESISTANCE as she curls up, and also for about 3/4 of the range through the extension maneuver... THIS IS GOOD!!!!! Someone asked if I have become frustrated, and I guess yeah, it is frustrating. Its theorhetically very disconcerting, for example, when she asks you over and over (etc) again where she is, what day it is, why her hair is so short, why she hasnt seen anybody else in so long (ETC>>>)... BUT she is remembering certain things, or is learning certain things. For example, when she first got home from the Refab center, she would freak out whenever Cooper would get near the edge of the bed or the couch. What she didnt know is that he had learned to get up and down from the couch, the bed, and just about everything else a couple of weeks earlier. Anyways, now she doesnt freak out anymore... Somehow the knowledge of his new ability to be a full-time monkey has seeped in past her otherwise-blown memory circuits. This and a couple of other things I've tried have also shown progress in busting out some new memory circuits. I've been drawing a peace symbol on my upper left arm and making her study it visually, all its flaws, etc (i might have mentioned this before, maybe) for example in her office (the bathroom) while we'd be waiting for the rain... ANYWAYS, sometimes she remembers it and sometimes she doesnt. I *HAD* initially written a certain phrase around the peace symbol (lets just call it colorfully disdainful of a certain fallen angel), and she has actually guessed that as well, meaning that *IT* had sunk in somewhere early there, too. SO there is progress, and Im sorry I've not been updating this blog as often as I'd like. WE DO APPRECIATE ALL THE EMAILS, CARDS, ETC., and I apologize for not replying directly if I havent done so... Its been busy around here, and even though I dont need to for her security so much, I do like to basically hang out with her, sit with her, and be there to constantly reassure her and whatnot. We have a lot of fun, but she doesnt remember any of that stuff. She doesnt remember her birthday. She doesnt remember friday night when her whole family came over and we all had chinese food (thanks Mom! (Jenna's mom)) and ended up watching the olympics opening whatnotitry. There was one more thing I wanted to update everyone on, which is her walking. She's walking!!!!! VERY unsteadily, but she can actually walk across the room, up the hallway, etc. We stick close to her because she's still pretty unstable, but she's also making great progress there. Oh and just because its frustrating doesnt mean its not all worth it. I'll take ALL this frustration, blah blah, ... that she's alive at all (and making what is really VERY good progress for this point in her recovery) is not just a happy bit of luck, its proof of something Wonderful, and Jenna is wonderful to be with! She's like I've said before: very funny, very witty, and lots of fun to be around (laughs at my jokes ;)). I dont mind the frustration. The way I look at it, we've been pulled off a desert island the day before we died of starvation. We survived a plane crash. A 4,000-lb pickup truck bounced off her head and she ... I guess I just like to keep things in perspective. All the little problems with her recovery are just little problems. She's making her progress, it is still VERY VERY EARLY in this whole thing. There will be more fits and starts, but we don't care. Its all gravy once you get the sand, jet fuel, and/or pickup trucks out of your hair!!
-Rob (I hope that makes sense ;))
P.S. OH YAH!! HER BLADDER IS NOW FUNCTIONING ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMALLY NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN AS OF ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF LAST WEEK. At some point it just started giving her (and whoever was watching her) a hell of a lot less trouble! No more constant urges, no more endless waiting on the throne. Its great!! ;)
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10:29 am
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Birthday...
Yesterday was Jenna's 23rd birthday, and we had a party over at her parents' house (here in the neighborhood about a half mile from our house). It was a lot of fun. Cooper had a blast with all the cousinkids around, and he is a hit with the adults also. Very popular little baby. Don't get me started because I can barely stand how cute he is, and this is after watching two extremely cute niece/nephews grow up right in front of me. Jenna had a blast, ate a lot of cake. She is SO damn FUNNY when you get her going, and we all did a lot of laughing. There was this palpable kind of "lift" in the room, having her home safe amongst all that love and Joy, the baby running around, etc. She got a ton of clothes and a few memory games. I got some therapy playing with mom-in-law's little Minolta 35mm, just taking candids. (I forgot the supernice camcorder my parents sent for just such occasions, since they can't be here! GRR!!!) More good news as we go... :)
-RJC
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03:36 pm
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Orthopedic surgeon report...
She had her orthopedics appointment today, and came back with a 100% OK status... Her twice-snapped pelvis, snapped ribs, snapped collarbone, are all 100% healed and shes got absolutely no issues with future childrearing and whatnot. Still a LONG way to go, but her framework is just fine! :)
-Rob
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10:26 pm
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passed her swallowing test...
Which means they can finally take the feeding "PEG" (tube) out of her belly. It is a major PITA to deal with, so when it is finally removed it will be another little thing we can put behind us. It reminds me of the slap-down fights we'd have over her cervical (neck) collar. She HATED that thing, and it was a CONSTANT battle to keep her from taking it off and beating us with it. The "PEG" isnt that annoying but it involves changing a dressing twice a day and pouring water through it to keep it cleaned out. the stupid thing is that even before her passing the swallowing test, she could still drink and swallow water just fine, and there was little risk if she didnt make the swallow in time, just some coughing and blah blah blah... (the lungs are something like 40% water themselves). Anyways, she saw her neurologist today, which was another exercise in stupidity. Her brother actually took her, and they just had him spend an hour waiting, then another hour filling out this extensive questionnaire, then another hour waiting, then the doctor came out and said to take her home, shes fine, we'll know how she is after a year, etc. She never stepped foot in an examination room! You think of "Brain Surgeon" as some kind of king-of-medicine title, but in jenna's case they've really just been bystanders in the whole thing. Admittedly so, too. They tell us that theres nothing to do but sit back and see how she's going to come back, and how far and how fast and all that. Bystanders!! In truth, its her WONDERFUL nurses and now her physical and speech therapists that are the real heroes in this story. They kicked ass and took GREAT care of Jenna. Ive said all this before but this thing with the neurologist appointment today brought it all back up again... ;)
-Rob
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03:06 am
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life at home...
First let me apologize for the lack of posts here to the blog. Time, space, and other furniture are always an obstacle. She's getting stronger and stronger physically, but its a slow process. Just very recently ive been trying a throw-her-in-and-let-her-swim technique for her walking therapy. Instead of holding her by the waist or arms, i just make a ring around her with my arms, then let her walk without touching me (or at least thats the idea). She walks and falls over, getting that sense of what it is to fall over without the unpleasant hitting of the actual ground. I figure that the falling over gives her a sense of what she's really fighting against. I make her walk as much as possible, to the point of distraction, but its paying off. Her brother mentioned today that she seemed much stronger walking on her own (almost) than just a few days ago (carting her to the car for the trip to her outpatient therapy).. Overall it is much easier to take care of her now than when she first came home. Now that I look back on it it was a lot like when we brought the baby home. We had seen and heard SO much about SIDS that we were completely paranoid that Cooper would just spontaneously stop breathing in the middle of the night, for no known or knowable reason. Every little eep, wheeze, or noise he made through the night was a huge electric feeling of relief each time it happened. Now that Jenna's been home with the family for a couple of weeks, she is ever-less likely, it would seem, to spontaneously shoot out of bed or off her chair and put herself at mortal risk at any given moment. In other words, taking care of her has devolved (thanks God) from the 1440-minute-a-day job it was into a mere 24-hours-a-day job it is now... that doesnt make any sense, unless you already know what I'm talking about... ;) Basically the level of intense watchful-over-thee aspects have died down to a dull roar. We are still grappling with extremely profound memory, vision, and cognition problems, among the more-basic physical rehab issues. Yet we are really SO very early in this process, that I can only be grateful that I realize that we are yet so early still. Like I said before, waking her out of the coma was an astonishing accomplishment but really it is just a mere breath of what Jenna faces as she moves forward. But we ain't giving up. We work hard, working her "dead" left arm, her weak-ass legs and trunk, and I pound her with basic math stuff trying to exercise that over-cooked pasta muscle between her ears. Often I quiz her to distract her from a daily, hourly, minute-ly issue that we deal with constantly, being her bladder. (forgive me Jenna when you finally read this...) the medication she takes makes her feel the need to go literally all the time, but she cant remember when she's gone last, even if it was a few seconds ago. So we spend a lot of time taking her back and forth to the bathroom. I refuse to allow her to sit for more than about ten minutes without hauling her up and tossing her around the house for a while to get the blood flowing again. My mom is good at inspiring paranoia regarding all kinds of mysterious circulation problems. Suffice it to say that she knows of what she speaks after a surprisingly-horrible busted ankle a few years ago. Anyways I dont allow Jenna to sit for too long but at least now I can turn my back on her without her immediately trying to bounce her nut off the nearest convenient cracker (like the bathroom sink)... Within a week or two she should be able to walk her own self to the bathroom every five minutes, not that Im bitter about it now!! ;) She is still very innocent and sweet, and I sense now that she is waking up cognitively a bit more and more, she seems to be struggling more with the reality she's been dealt. She often cannot see, her feet go numb/fall asleep, among many other things... she asks about them and I have to tell her the whole story again and again. Its troubling and sad to see that confusion and pain of the simple realization of the time shes lost so far, each time we have to explain it to her (and continues to lose every day she doesnt remember from the next). I am videotaping her and the baby playing and whatnot every day, hoping to fill in the gaps for her once she comes around more. Its not a replacement, but its something. I refuse to believe however that she wont be WAY back to the way she was, only better and stronger. Two interesting things point in this direction... Jenna had suffered from daily headaches, often ones that were migrane-like debilitating (and demoralizing) types. Also, she had that little red spot on her nose that she had since she was a kid with chicken pox. Both of those problems are completely gone now. the little red spot VANISHED at some point while she was still in the coma, and she never complains about headaches now, even when asked. There is Healing taking place in Jenna, and I pray and believe it is only going to pick up speed despite the relatively vast distance she's yet got to cover... Please, everyone, continue to pray, send good vibes, etc., with the same intensity you did when she was in her coma. Even though she is awake and blessing us with her wonderful personality, she still has an enormous climb ahead of her, and can use ALL the support we can get!! And lest I forget to mention it, we DO VERY MUCH appreciate the prayers, faith, support, and other kindnesses. Pray for Amber, too, while you're at it!! =)
-RJC
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09:48 am
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Jenna posted to BMW 2002 FAQ message board ...
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/forum/messages/147006.html#147499
Shes doing very well, although she still has a long way to go with her memory, speech, and cognition. Also learning again how to walk, and to use her left arm which curled up because of the snapped collarbone on that side. Still a lot of work to do... Its like climbing a mountain. When you see the mountains and you start climbing to the peak, you struggle and struggle and fight your way up to the top. Once you get there, the view and feeling of accomplishment are just staggering. Yet you begin to see that that first peak was just the beginning...there is another distant, even higher peak to climb. It is great to have her back at home, helping with the baby (she fed him breakfast today), doing her physical and occupational therapy exercises (even speech + swallowing exercises), her bladder finally beginning to respond and function normally, etc. But she is still very confused, and has almost no short-term memory (although cracks are beginning to show in that dark wall, too). Don't let me leave the impression that she is unhappy, however. She is very happy, she smiles and jokes around, and is really very funny to be around. Lots of Joy in this house now... She is still doing great, but still has a long way to go. This ride ain't over yet, in other words. BUT she WILL get there. Every night we pray for that girl Amber who was Jenna's roomate for a few days in the T/ICU.... It worries me because Jenna's physical rehab is so challenging and she was just bedridden for about six weeks before starting rehab. Amber (as far as I know) is STILL bedridden, and every day she stays in bed, the harder it will be for her when she wakes up. So Jenna and I pray that she will wake up, and her muscles and nerves and whatnot all wake up and she can get started coming back to us just like Jenna is. When we do pray for Amber, its yet another occasion for me to re-tell Jenna the whole story of the accident, all the people rallying around her, her hospitalization, and her homecoming. Every time she hears it, she's just amazed like she's never heard it before and certainly didnt live through it. (Ever seen 50 First Dates??) Anyways, the simple fact that she plays with and appreciates the baby and knows all the rest of us, has her personality back, etc., is all such an amazing blessing that I thank God for every bit of it every time I think to. When He finishes this Work, bringing back Jenna to her old 100% self (yet so much stronger by then), we'll all truly finally be on top of the world... That day IS coming and I'm SO HAPPY to have my eyes so very wide open, now ... =D
-Rob
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06:46 am
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SHE'S FINALLY AT HOME!!!
Shes ALREADY doing better, too. I was reading her Emil Zola's "The Masterpiece" and stopping every paragraph to ask her questions about it... her short term memory is basically nonexistent at the moment, anyways about an hour later she still remembered the main character's name even though she couldnt remember anything else really.... Still, im sure we'll see a vast improvement now that shes in her familiar environment. More good news when it happens!! =)
-RJC
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11:39 am
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FORGOT TO ANNOUNCE HERE THAT SHE'S COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/forum/messages/144593.html#144981
A week from today, which will be Friday the 25th of June, about a month before her 23rd birthday... Rejoice, it has/is happened/ing!!!!
-RJC
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10:32 am
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Update available on the 02 FAQ page...
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/forum/messages/145046.html
(reproduced here for your convenience ;))
I bet by the time she leaves the hospital next friday she'll be able to at least get up out of the wheelchair and walk to the car.... She could probably do it now but Id have to help her some and she'd need to be well-rested.... Fatigue comes early and hard, but she is still making milestones every day. Today we stretched out her curled-up (because of broken collarbone) left arm to its full extension. It took about twenty minutes but I got it out there without her feeling any pain... man that little muscle right under the inside of the elbow on the forearm was TIGHT... anyways, other things are healing up too, like her bladder (we've had to be cathing her) and other stuff she will probably slap me for mentioning so I wont... Anyways, Im about to find out if I should go back tonight or not... I really need to spend some time working on this house in anticipation of her arrival (and her mom is down there). For everyone who asked for the address for sending "CONGRATULATIONS!" cards (still a good deal of "Getting Well" to do, but the homecoming deserves a celebration), check your email!! =D
-RJC
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11:52 am
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spent the weekend Plus... took some PICS!!
Take a look at this link for pics of the Miracle Girl...
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/talkshop/forum/messages/143988.html
She stood up balancing by herself for thirty seconds, twice today. She has had serious trunk-control issues but they are getting better. I am learning a lot about balancing issues that normally we would never think about ... but when you are stuck in a bed for eight weeks straight, muscles are extremely weak and some of them become rather dumb. Muscles have to relearn their roles just like anything else. She is still working on her memory issues, but it is extremely hilarious (remember, I don't use these words lightly) to listen to her talk. At times it is also a little ... sad I guess to hear her rambling on about what is essentially nonsense, but I just remind myself that I'm watching her being reborn in a way. Her left arm was essentially dead weight as little as three days ago, but now it is coming alive just by her having to use it and rely on it for support, etc. She will use her good right arm to move the lame left arm to a position where it becomes useful. She complains that it is "dead" or "useless" but we just remind her that it was asleep for a long time and will wake up soon, just like the rest of her. The reason why its in such bad shape is that it was her left collarbone that was snapped in the impact, and it all kind of curled up while the collarbone healed. But anyways, it is in fact coming alive. She can wiggle the fingers and even the thumb (ironically the most complex part of the hand) can almost be raised to a "thumbs up" position. Every day there is marked improvement. She can put on her pyjama pants, socks, shoes, shirt, etc., even with her lame left arm, all by herself. I asked her physical therapist today how long she thinks it will take before Jenna can walk and she said a month. I don't see it taking that long. I see her walking out of that hospital late next week. Or at least walking from the hospital wheelchair to the car, then walking from the car into the house. If I have to help her up the six stairs on the front porch, that's fine too. But this girl, I assure you, is going to keep astonishing us with her progress. Everyone is just blown away with her progress as it is, even though she continues to have real issues with her memory and cognition, not to mention her physical self down to how well she can do simple things like swallow water. She is so sweet and innocent now, like a child, but retains her old personality and sense of humor. Again, she is absolutely HILARIOUS to talk to; she's very witty and "quick" in her slow, deliberate way of speaking. That joy I talked about anticipating before, before she woke up, ... that joy is here now, and it is profoundly interesting to see the manifestation of one's faith open before one'self this way. Im convinced there are larger forces at work here, and like I say its profound. Another pathetic wordly attempt to capture what's going on over here... "profound" doesn't quite cover it, either. I'll close this installment with another testiment to the nursing trade... Nurses are one of the most unappreciated and most noble of professionals. Her rehab nurses and therapists have been just absolutely wonderful, just like her other nurses she's had in her odyssey through the UAB hospital system (there was one exception I can think of but ... there's always one...) I cant say enough good things about UAB, either. Its refreshing in this day and age to see an institution take a case and nurture it through the emergency/admission stages through intenesly expensive neurological and trauma intensive care and rehab processes based solely on the health and responsiveness of the patient, rather than on our ability to pay (which is essentially nill). This is an institution that I will always be eternally grateful to, and hopefully they will get paid for what they've done for Jenna. I got a $410,000 bill in the mail the other day, which we have no hope of paying... Her total including rehab will probably top a half a million dollars, easilly. But to have Jenna returned to us is an absolutely priceless gift, and I could spend a million lifetimes breaking pebbles into sand and stomping sand into diamonds and not repay what I feel these people or this institution deserves. With God's help, they've brought Jenna back to us, even though right now she's confused and just regaining her cognitive and memory skills, among others. But like I say, she's going to continue to baffle the doctors and surprise even her most-silly optimists... ;) More good news to come!!
-Rob
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09:12 am
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Spent last night and today with Jenna
MAN she is different! She SMILES with her whole face, and is very very witty, talkative, and funny. She still talks slowly and deliberately. Her left arm is still the main physical issue other than just her general getting-back-her-sea-legs aspects. I took her to all her therapy appointments (speech, ortho, and occupational) and she is doing so great. Really, she is. She isn't worried at all about her predicament and has no bitterness or any type of negative feeling at all. She remembers lots of things from her past, even the recent past (like several months before the accident), but does not remember her own room when we get back from the therapy sessions. I have to spend about ten minutes showing her all her stuff and whatnot before she buys the idea that I'm not messing with her. But this will also pass, and she will regain her memory just like she's regaining everything else. EVERY SINGLE DAY there is something new and positive, and yet she continues to have plenty to work on despite having come so very very far, so very very fast. Really, this is like someone tearing their achillies tendon and then running a marathon a week later... or maybe not running the marathon, but cutting their own grass (a big yard!) with a push mower. The marathon is around the corner, though. I am so very, very proud of her. I told her about all the internet people who are pulling for her and she gets a big smile on her face and says "that's cool," and also giving the thumbs up. I swear to God, if you met her you'd immediately fall in love with her. I am bringing the digicam tonight and should be able to post a couple of pics tomorrow. Thank all of you people out there reading this and praying for her, thank God for listening and healing her, and I can't neglect good-old medical science for sustaining her and otherwise keeping her going while divinity took hold. Most of all, thank you, Jenna for being the amazing person I married two (and change) years ago. Sorry if that sounded like an Oscar acceptance speech... "amazing" doesn't quite cover it. As I've said before, mere words fail. Crying, laughing, dancing in the backyard pulling out my hair, tearing off my clothes and howling at the atmosphere full of sheer, unadulterated JOY hardly covers it, either... =)
-Rob
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11:05 am
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actually talked with Jenna on the phone today...
I swear to Mr. Mister that it was an unbelievable experience actually talking to Jenna today on the phone. I am still keeping the baby in quarrantine so whatever it was that was causing his 104+ deg fever is going to die, here, alone and unfulfilled. But tomorrow I'm going to bring him to the rehab center so she can see him. They actually talked on the phone. Or, really, I tickled him and he laughed while Jenna was listening. She said the baby is so sweet. She talks slowly and deliberately, and is still not quite all there. But it is coming and it will come. I have to remind people that this is NOT a typical recovery, that in fact we really ARE seeing a kind of clinical miracle. The more-typical "recovery" is that of Amber, Jenna's roommate for a few days in the T/ICU. As I mentioned before, Amber was in a very similar accident with very similar injuries. She also is the same age, and has a baby about the same age as Cooper. Anyways, she has not shown much response and was sent to a nursing home. You have to realize that Jenna's brains were absolutely scrambled like you shot them at a brick wall at 50MPH (truck hitting side of Saturn/Jenna's head), then picked them up, flipped them over, and then shot it at the same wall again at 40MPH this time (brains sloshed back over to the other side when her head stopped moving in the other direction suddenly -- this is likely when she cracked her C1 vertebrete in her neck). The picture I saw on the CT scan of her brain taken probably no more than 45 minutes after the accident showed trauma (bleeding and swelling) all throughout the entire brain. (This is when I got the buldozed forest speech.) ANYWAYS, knowing all this, and knowing that I am a small part of this ongoing manifest miracle, and knowing how deep a river of shit Jenna was in for a while there... knowing that a divine hand has touched her, answered ("yes!") prayers and all that.... anyways, the point im trying to make is that it was INTIMIDATING to actually speak to my own wife today on the phone. I have no idea how much she remembers, or really what to say other than "I love you" over and over again... It was almost like talking to a ghost, I must admit. I am sure I will get over it, especially when I can actually see her in person again (tomorrow). Oh, and they took out the trache tube today, and MAY actually take off the unholy cervical collar by the end of the week. Oh, and I broke my left pinkie toe today!! its all black and bleu, and theres not a thing I can do about it but laugh... =)
-Rob
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08:14 am
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Grounded with sick baby...
I just talked to her mother ... Jenna is back mentally. She goes back and forth between her childhood-teen antics and acting like she was before the accident. She is perhaps the sweetest thing since sliced bread. I miss her so much it is depressing to be stuck here. On top of which I have to give the baby medicine every three hours so getting any sleep is difficult. Ok, done whining. Jenna is doing so great. She is talking a lot, even without the speech valve in her trache tube. She complains a lot about her cervical collar (theyre looking at finally taking it off since we're in the eighth week), and asked her dad on the phone to come and get her because shes ready to go home. She tells her mother that she can take her home now, that they can do all this therapy at home, and when her mom said, "no Jenna, they wont let me," Jenna said, "It's OK, I'll hide."
I'm totally awed (AWED!) by this gift of life thats been given back to Jenna, and the gift that Jenna is to us in general. Words just cannot come close to expressing my gratitude first for having Jenna in the first place, then also for getting her back again this second time. Our prayers have been answered, and the answer was "Yes!" I remember at one dark point a few weeks ago just begging God to let her come back at least enough for her to recognize the baby and be able to appreciate that he is her baby and for her to enjoy him, even if she was otherwise incapacitated. But then I told myself to forget that, and decided to just believe that she will be 100% whole, just as before or better. She's well on her way, but still has a long way to go especially physically. But she's getting there. And she'll get there.
-Rob
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04:39 am
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didnt get to see her Friday...
baby had a fever (sinus infection plus early pinkeye... he'll be fine) so I am grounded here at the house for a few days. hopefully i wont get it. Jenna's mom says shes doing great, but i didnt get any details with all the running around. got home from the after-hours clinic tonight at about midnight. I'll get and post an update tomorrow (later today, Saturday). I have to give the baby his medicine every three hours so i've not yet slept...
-Rob
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09:24 pm
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Day one rehab report...
She did really well.. they had her walking again, and she walked the full length of the gym at the rehab center (on her third try). I told her mom and brother today, that in a month, six months, we are all just going to be STUNNED with how far she's come. She has *already* come so far, so fast, that it is going to take some serious mileage to impress us, but I promise you, it will happen. Anyways, she has her own wheelchair and they can take her all over the place. She looked at herself in the mirror for the first time today, and was checking herself out without any real drama. Im sure shes disappointed in her hair being gone, but on some other level, shes always threatened to cut it all off before (because it takes so much work to keep up), and so now shes seeing herself with the short hair and it must be satisfying to some degree. She is very very active, very strong, and has her old temper just like before. She bit her brother today because he was trying to keep her from pulling on her catheter or something like that. She bit me yesterday but only because I let her. I tell her how beautiful and amazing she is, and how shes going to change lives when she's out of all this, hopefully that she's already doing it. Im not trying to pressure her or whatever, but just give her that purpose, faith, hope and joy that I feel. Oh, and she was talking today, just barely. They gave her the trache tube that will allow them to put a check valve in tomorrow so she can talk whenever she wants. It was very faint today, very breathy, but as she hears herself and has more practice, it will come back also. I bet by tomorrow she'll be actually able to communicate verbally. It has GOT to be SO frustrating to not be understood as it is now. Every day, its something new and beautiful. I love God SO much for doing this for her. It sounds so funny to hear myself say that, after an adult lifetime resisting Him (or really the often-disgusting earthly "Christendom"), but what He is doing for Jenna, and me, is truly wonderful. These words, wonder, joy, pain, ... really are meaningless until something like this happens. In addition to everything else, I continue to be so grateful, so very thankful... We all are. More good news tomorrow!! And again, spread this link around. Not only does she need the additional prayers and good thoughts/vibes/whatever, I hope to think that people would like to hear about a genuine clinical miracle unfolding right here, and right now. I hope it all means something to someone. The more hope and faith that all this spreads, the more it actually means something... So spread it!! :)
-Rob
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01:51 am
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Rehab city...
They moved her over today, its just a few buildings west of the main hospital building, and they are all connected by walkway bridges. The whole UAB complex takes up dozens of city blocks, the hospital maybe about six-to-ten full city blocks at least. ANYWAYS, shes doing pretty good. The move was tiring and they had to change her bed to this "veil" bed that looks like one of those chuck-e-cheeze plastic ball games, minus the balls and plus a hospital bed. its like a big net-enclosure thing that will prevent her from getting up and walking away in the middle of the night... Acutally her mother is staying there with her at night and her and Jenna's brother are going to be doing all the rehabs with Jenna so they know what to do when they get her home. Rehab can take a month or more, so they should be well trained. I would be the one doing it with them but I am going to be taking this out-of-town job that will take me away for weeks at a time. Which is going to suck, but that's life. Jenna is trying desperately to communicate with us, and its GOT to be frustrating for her. Shes answering questions with nods "yes" and shaking her head "no". They are going to bo-tox her left arm which has been curled up since the accident despite their attempts to keep it straightened out. They say that will allow it to relax. The actual physical rehab is going to be extremely painful and a lot of work.. they work them about six hours a day trying to get them back to what they were. Really this is so much of a blessing, and I am extremely grateful that they are letting her into the rehab center at all. It will jump start her physically and provide her a great foundation for the rest of her recovery. There was this girl in the bed next to her in the T/ICU (trauma ICU) who is the same age, has a baby the same age, and was involved in a very similar T-bone accident with nearly identical injuries. Unfortunately, she has not responded at all and they sent her to a nursing home. If you all want to pray for her too, her name is Amber. There's so much pain and tragedy in this world, and one never realizes what it really means until it happens to you. I talked to Amber's husband briefly a couple of times in the elevator, and he was just devastated, as anyone should be. My heart goes out to him and their family. In my case, it was very difficult at first, and there have been roller coaster aspects to this whole thing as it unfolded, but once I decided to just trust God, I've allowed faith and joy to rule me, not the negative things. I feel the pain, but I just think of the joyful day when she's out of there and we're able to go around giving other people hope in similar situations. Hopefully her example is already inspiring people, and I *DO* feel the joy of that blessed day when she is back to her old self, holding the baby, cutting up and laughing about this whole situation. (I call her "crackhead" already ;-p) Good will come of all this. So much good that it will all, somehow, be worth it. I love my wife and I hate to see her struggling and in pain, but I promise you, someday all this pain will reverse itself and bring joy and hope to many others. I hope its already happening, and like I say, you ain't seen nothing yet!
-Rob
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11:15 pm
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SHE WALKS!!
Get this: She took a walk today!! From her bed out into the hallway, and back to bed. Not only that, but because she is doing SO well, they are admitting her to the Spain-Wallace rehabilitation center at UAB, which is a world-renown rehab center. This is NOT an easy place to get into, even when you CAN afford it. (We are a big fat charity case so far.) Anyways, SO MUCH GOOD NEWS!! She walked, she's getting into the Spain center, shes signing, learning new signs, is trying to talk, tries to take all the crap off of her (respirator tubing, leg thingies, etc.)... I spent about three or four hours with her tonight after unloading the baby on Jenna's aunt (Hi Paula! THANKS!) and doing some other random errands. Ive got some more running around to do tomorrow but hopefully she will be in her new digs when I see her... I am so proud of her its making me sick!
-Rob
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11:29 pm
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spent basically all day with her...
We watched a (very short!) tape of the baby, watched some TV, I watched her sleep some, read the paper, sat with her and asked her if she knew why she was in the hospital. I told her to touch my nose if she knew why she was in there, and my ear if she didn't know. She reached up and grabbed my ear. So I explained it to her. She's pretty active in her outwardly passive way... she lies there and looks at me, moving her right leg back and forth almost nervously. Her dad tells me she always used to do that as a kid. She can also smile a little bit. You can tell when she's smiling anyways, although to someone else it wouldnt look like a smile necessarily. We have also been afraid that she was mad at her friend K. who was behind the wheel of the Saturn. So today I asked her (twice) if she wanted to see her (after explaining the accident and everything), and she touched my nose, signalling "yes" (both times). It was nice spending all day with her. Just really relaxing and whatnot as opposed to the old 30-minute rush jobs... Tomorrow im going to bring a better (longer) tape of the baby and maybe Chicken Run (one of her favorites)... ;)
-Rob
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11:05 pm
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A Three Hour Tour...
AHHHH!!! The Tenth Floor!!!! I finally unloaded the baby on the inlaws at about 6pm and went down to see her in her new digs. I got to stay for a good solid three hours, just holding her hand and talking to her and watching indiana jones on TV. (She loves those damn movies!) Tomorrow im going to bring the VCR down there so she can watch tapes of the baby...
Understand something: she is BACK. She understands exactly what you say, and its only her motor response that needs practice and therapy. Right before I left, the nurse came in to give her some medicine, and Jenna was responding to her JUST like she would have before the accident. "Open your mouth, Jenna," was instantly met with an open mouth. She even anticipated the next time she was going to be asked. She lays there just like she's hanging out, waiting like the rest of us for the motor pathways and whatnot to be restored just like everything else. She is also still mute, because of the trache tube, but thats just temporary too. I made her play me a game of tic-tac-toe, even. She lost, but thats partially because I am JUST *that* good!! ;-p
The point is that Jenna is back, folks. Back from the black! A clinical MIRACLE. Seriously! =)
-RJC
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05:37 pm
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Now she's out of Intensive Care!!
They moved her downstairs today out of the ICU, which means the horrific nightmare 30-minute visiting sessions have come to a close! Now we get to stay with her all day, and even one of us can sleep there overnight (doesnt look to comfy)... Anyways, every day its something awesome!! Im prepared for the time when she begins to plateau and slow down her progress,,,, it just hasnt happened yet! =D
-Rob
p.s. Unfortunately, the baby is still banned from the room. but I'm going to hook up the camcorder to the TV and she'll be able to watch tapes :)
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01:26 am
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Just got home from the midnight showing...
She was curled up facing the (dark, obviously) window, meaning away from the door. The visiting sessions are a brutally short 30minutes. Anyways, she was squeezing my hand and I told her to reach for my face, and she did. She is moving her left hand a little bit, but nowhere near as much as the right. Her left leg barely moves at all, if at all. Now that she is fully awake and literally talking to us (she mouthed words to me but I couldnt understand what she was trying to say), she looks more and more uncomfortable. It has GOT to be SO boring in that bed all day! ... not to mention frustrating and scary. She kissed me a few times and i kissed her back a few times more. IT SUCKS having to leave after only 30 puny little minutes! BUT shes doing so well on the respirator, she may be in a normal room by the weekend's end... Stay tuned! More good news to follow!! =)
-RJC
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10:29 pm
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She stood up!!!!!!!
You are not going to believe this, but she had her first physical therapy session this morning and Jenna actually stood up (leaning on her mother), but standing up on her own feet! One might say that they stood her up, but hey, its progress... She cant really hold up her own head due to the cervical collar theyve had her in for the last five weeks (due to busted neck), and is generally really weak physically, but she is ASTOUNDING everybody with her speedy recovery!! I havent been able to see her since yesterday morning because ive had the baby at home. BUT I'm going tonight! Cant wait, i hear she grabs ahold of you and wont let go ;) I told ya shes a sweetie :)
-Rob
p.s. I ALMOST FORGOT THE MOST ASTOUNDING PART: She's using sign language and whatnot to actually communicate with us... She asked her mother what happened with her hair (shaved off for the head stint thing), told her she loves her, etc. She's in there, man, and coming out day by day!! She might be in a regular room by the end of the weekend. KEEP PRAYING, sending positive vibes, good thoughts, etc. It is working and now is NO time to stop!! =D
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04:15 pm
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missed a few days...
I keep *meaning* to update the blog, just been too busy, tired, etc... Anyways, this morning she was very alert, reaching for me, moving her mouth around and face muscles. At some points she looked really concerned about something. I keep telling her not to worry and all that, telling her she's going to be just fine, etc. One of the nurses who was off for the last week is back and she was ASTONISHED at how much progress she is making. Her lung (or whatever) infection is finally gone, and shes no longer running that low-level fever. She is still favoring the right side of her body, which makes sense because the right side of her brain took most of the hit (and controls the left side of her body). I keep encouraging her to work on the left side, try to exercise it. I told her that whenever I show her picture to the baby, he takes it from me and kisses it. Then I showed her a picture OF the baby, and i asked if she wanted to kiss it. I held it up to her mouth and she gave it one of those open-mouth infant kisses... shes so sweet.. :)
-Rob
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12:32 pm
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Morning report :)
When I got there this morning, she had just gotten back from the CT scanner and was still asleep (they give her knockout drops so she stays still in the scanner). So I just got to watch her sleep. Her pastor came by and said another prayer for her, to which i said "Amen, man!" (not really, but thats what i was thinking,... i only just said "amen" out loud :P) Anyways, she looked a little pale but seemed to pink up by the time i left. i was playing Beatles songs for her on the CD player, which i know she likes. Her eyes were moving around like she was dreaming, which is cool. More good news later!
-Rob
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10:52 pm
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Not only that, but she also...
flipped off her brother three times, shook her head "no", and is BAFFLING her doctors... the MIRACLE is happening, man! She's our miracle baby, for sure! :D
-Rob
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04:58 pm
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REPORTS ARE THAT SHES TRYING TO SIT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
unbelievable as it may sound, her mother says that Jenna tried to sit up twice today!!!! I havent been able to make it to the hospital due to disappointing technical problems, but i hope to make it tonight. I'll report then more details... Staggering progress, wouldnt you say??!!
-Rob
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06:09 pm
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a couple of pics of Jenna and the baby
jenna is hidden in the second one (or is she?) ;)
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/rob/cooperjenna_550.jpg
http://www.bmw2002faq.com/rob/cooperthumb_550.jpg
-Rob
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12:00 pm
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Morning report... she SMILED at me... (sort of ;))
she cracked a smile, just a little bit, in one corner of her mouth. i asked her to smile and she did it, *just* a little bit. it was exhillarating to see. She still favors the right side of her body, she moves her right leg a lot and moves her right arm mostly. and she cracked the smile on the right side... so we're working on her left side more. shes tracking us around the room more closely, etc. Anyways, more good news later! :)
-RJC
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02:58 am
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I invite you all to comment, etc...
If anyone wants to comment or contact me, leave good wishes, etc..., use the "Comment on this" links here on the blog, or you can just email me. Use robspeed@bmw2002faq.com for the emails. with your permission i can include good wishes emails in my posts.. the prayers and good vibes ARE working. Jenna is recovering BEYOND all reasonable expectations already. She's going to surprise us all. :)
-Rob
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02:05 am
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Midnight report...
AHHHHH!!!! my Jenna... She is STUNNING the doctors with her progress... a new neuro guy came by to look her over, and he could not believe how much better she is, already!! Those were his exact words, "I don't believe it!" and he still didnt believe it until he *watched* her lift her arm on command, follow other commands... she is even wiggling her toes now, when asked. (this is a new thing.) Although tonight when we were there she didn't do it, but we know she's capable of it and getting better all the time. Her nurses are great. I dont try to push her to do things when im there, but the nurse said its good for her. By the way I LOVE ICU nurses of all stripes... it is truly a noble profession. I tell them that all the time, im sure they think im nuts with it, but its a hard gig and you really have to give a shit. Nurses are in short supply in general, and if you know any nurses you should tell em they're cool. There was a truckload of firefighters in the grocery store the other day and i wanted to buy them all Z06 corvettes. IF theyd agree to e28/LS6 conversions (i wonder if the brakes fit?), that would be all the nicer... ;-p
Anyways, like I say, Jenna's doing extremely well. Rejoice!! The miracle is happening, man. I am so grateful to everyone involved, and there are so many involved. From the Man upstairs to all of you out there who are praying and thinking about Jenna, it is WORKING. She's our miracle baby, and you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!! ;)
-RJC
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05:47 pm
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oops ...
that should have said LAST night not tomorrow night :)
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05:10 pm
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thursday morning ... sorry for skipping yesterday!!
This morning six of us, plus the baby, showed up for a single 30minute visiting session. a little crazy, but we all got in there. due to the lingering infection shes got, they are now making us wear gowns and gloves so as to not spread it around, etc. i meant to post a thing tomorrow night after i got home from the 12:30am session, but i failed to actually go since i was asleep by then. but Jenna's mother went so it worked out anyways. She had her actually holding a pen and writing some scribbles on a piece of paper. today she was moving her legs around like she wants to get up and get out of there. but shes responsive and everything, and she'll be out of there soon enough. :)
-RJC
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02:32 pm
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morning report :)
Well, they moved her back into a single room until she can get rid of the infection, wherever it is. It was my first time actually *seeing* her since she woke back up yesterday afternoon. She was alert and responsive. They had her hands back in the therapeutic braces so she cant fold up her hands like she likes to do, but she still reached up towards me. she was blinking for me (in a new, interesting way ;p), sticking her tounge out for me, lifting her arms, all on request. yah, shes alive in there alright. she still has this total innocence about her, even though she was arching her eyebrows and furrowing her brow the way she does... little more bits of her personality coming through. Ive got the baby at home this afternoon, and Jenna's mom is over at the hospital for the 2:30 and probably the 5:30 showings. If she takes the baby back tonight, I'll either go at the 8:30 or the 12:30am session. I like the 12:30 one especially now since she doesnt have a roomate anymore (dont want to disturb anyone else with late-night visits). Every day, she's getting a little bit better. Before you know it, she'll be back kicking my ass full time :)
-Rob
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